COVID and Toxic Positivity

I tend to be positive. I’m the glass-half-full kind of person. When dealing with adversity, I ask myself, “What is the worst that can happen?” My answer typically conjures up a scenario I imagine I can live with and manage. But last week, I experienced “toxic positivity,” and I finally understood what psychologists warn us about.

I am optimistic and surround myself with family and friends with the same perspective. Not all my family and friends are P people. The negatives, the N people turn an accomplishment into a misguided achievement. They might say, “Congratulations, but I wouldn’t get too excited ’cause I don’t think that is a realistic goal. Or I share a win, and I realize that that person can’t grasp how significant the moment is for me. And the worst is when I acknowledge a blessing or gratitude, and they quickly minimize that blessing by telling me what I should be doing with my life. So, I intentionally have my P People on speed dial and my negatives in my heart.

Last week, I got COVID. I’m immunized and vaccinated. Mask at work constantly and in public places, usually. Somehow, in the pressure and business of preparing for a national conference in a different state, where I would be leading two workshops and participating in a panel, in the days leading up to the event, I was not masking. On travel day, I felt tired. That night, the day before the conference, I felt achy. The morning of the meeting and 5 hours before my workshop, I felt congested and had a headache. I jokingly asked myself whether I could have COVID. The test showed the two blue lines confirming and explaining why I felt sicker by the hour. I called the Conference CEO to strategize about setting up an ad-hoc Zoom. There just wasn’t enough time, and her team was busy managing the many tasks for the entire program. On day two of my illness, I focused on seeing a doctor and getting medication because I felt ten times sicker than the first day.

During those 48 hours, I heard from my P team. You are so lucky to have health insurance. Yes, I am. What a blessing you are at your sister’s house, not a hotel. I am so blessed. So glad to hear your family is understanding and not giving you a hard time about isolating at their place. My family is always generous. Thank goodness for the antiviral medication. Medical science delivers a COVID win. You sound better already. Yes, cough, cough, cough, I guess I do. You look good. Thanks (and wondering, “Are they looking at the same pic I just uploaded?)

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.”
— Octavia E. Butler

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/octavia_e_butler_170210

The P team was doing their job with the information I provided. But I wasn’t doing mine. I was seething inside. Anger captures how I felt towards myself for slacking off on precautions. Devasted describes how I let the conference team down and those I partnered with. I was anxious about my ROI as I could not network at the event. Frustrated with masking, isolated in one room, and saddened to watch my family adjust their lives, COVID triumphed.

It was my job to acknowledge the myriad of emotions that were surfacing. My job was to walk through them, analyze their sources, and play with their meaning. As I began to explore the feelings, I could then express how I felt about my illness and how it wholly redirected and dictated the course of the next week to ten days of my life. And as I began describing the nuances of my uprooted life, my P team adjusted their support.

They acknowledged my disappointments and inability to follow through on my professional obligations. The positive support that had felt toxic initially began to feel positively affirming. 

Positivity doesn’t have to be toxic. Allowing someone to explore the impact of what is happening is the first step for someone on the positivity team. As I reflect on my first and hopefully only COVID illness, I am truly blessed to have a fantastic P team.